In Shock Move, God Sacks Only Son. Replaces Him With Raphael Jacquelin

In a statement released through The Vatican this morning, The Lord God Almighty has sacked his only Son Jesus Christ and replaced him with French golfer Raphael Jacquelin.

“I’ve grown tired of Jesus’ antics over the past few years” said God in the statement adding “He’s up in his room all the time and never off that internet.  The curse of damnation be on it.”

“Dont get me wrong” God continued, “Jesus used to be a nailed on certainty for celebrity appearances, the odd miracle and keeping an eye on those fiddly priests but lately he always seems be in the one place at any given time and in this job that’s just not kosher.”

God then revealed that Jacquelin was always on his shortlist to replace Jesus.

“We actually looked at the two Rafas but quickly ruled out Nadal because of his bad knees and his pained facial expression which doesn’t really go down too well in the sub-continent where we are trying to grow our numbers.  He is brilliant at doing that whole humble thing though.”

“Jacquelin on the other hand has the authentic Jesus look, the gentle voice and pretty much all the attributes he needs to do a good job” said God. “If I were to try to find fault I might say he’s a little too gentle of spirit but that’s something we can work on.  We’ve spoken to his management and agreed a fee for his services.  He’s also a tidy little carpenter, which is handy.”

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God’s arch nemesis Satan, also gave Jacquelin a guarded welcome.

“It’s great to see some fresh blood in the battle for the souls of the Earth” said Beelzebub. “I welcome Rafa and have promised God I’d leave him alone for a few weeks to learn the ropes, but after that the gloves are off and I’ll be after his saintly French ass with my scalding hot pitchfork.”

Jacquelin himself revealed he wasn’t all that surprised by the call up but thought himself ill suited to the role.

“As far as looks go I always knew I looked uncannily like Jesus,” he said told reporters.  “My mother used to draw a halo on all my school photographs and the kids in my class used sit around me at lunch time while I told them parables.  But to be honest I have absolutely no interest in religion and thus thought myself an unlikely candidate for Divine Intervention of this kind.  However having sat down and spoken with God, he has explained that believing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and that I can do a great job up here.”

“Also the facilities up here are top class,” said Jacquelin.

 

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