McIlroy “Midgetgate” Set To Disrupt Ryder Cup Opening Ceremony

Family and friends of Jose Maria Olazabal have reported excessive beard growth as the Spaniard faces a potentially disastrous Ryder Cup headache just days before the tournament is set to begin in Medinah Chicago.

During a week off to “write speeches and figure out logistics” the Ryder Cup Captain noticed the glaring height difference between star European player Rory McIlroy and his tennis playing giraffe girlfriend Caroline Wozniacki.

“This could be highly embarrassing for us in the Team parade at the opening ceremony”, said Olazabal, “It’s all about a show of strength.  Us bringing out a dwarf McIlory could hand the Americans a huge advantage even before we start.  Caroline must be two feet taller than Rory, it’s like that film Twins with Schwarzenegger and deVito.”

The European Tour are meeting this morning with Olazabal to consider remedial action to bridge the height gap before the crucial parade.  It’s believed the options are

Option 1. Adding a hair attachment to boost the size of McIlroy’s afro.  Top hairdressers believe an extra 3/4 of a foot can be added to Rory’s mop before it becomes unstable in the wind.  This technique is called Double Wiggage.

Option 2. Adding very special lifts to McIlory’s shoes.  These risers were developed for Tom Cruise for his role in the film Mission Impossible and are known in the movie industry colloquially as “Stilts”.

Option 3. Cutting Caroline Wozniacki’s legs off just above the ankle.  This would leave the former number one with stubs instead of feet and most certainly end her tennis career.  Experts believe this, however to be the most popular option and the one least likely to impact on McIlroy’s all important Ryder Cup performance.

More as it emerges, or gets cut off, as the case may be.

 

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