Singh Let’s Down Entire Nation Of Fiji Who Now Have Only Crap Rugby Sevens Team To Believe In

Following Vijay Singh’s admission to Tim Finchem yesterday that he is using spray from a deer’s antlers and balls to play golf, a sense of total depression is said to have descended on his home nation of Fiji.

fijian man Walasi Sivivatu, spokesman for Vijay’s 850,000 fans on the Island of Fiji, told reporters he was shocked and stunned by the story.

Saying he felt “perplexed and saddened” by Singh’s actions, Sivivatu hinted that Fijians may now consider joining the other 7.064 billion people on Earth who don’t particularly like Vijay anyway.

“It’s really hard to take in” said Sivivatu with an anxious look into space and a kind of incredulity that absolutely nobody else outside of Fiji shares. “The capital of Fiji is called Singhtown, our national holiday is St. Vijay’s Day, and even Santa over here has a red dot on his forehead; that’s how much we loved this man”.

“Okay it had been reported on the Fijian evening news that Vijay was growing a pair of tits lately, but we all thought it was just Vijay moulding into a Buddah like figure we could all pray to.  So to find out that man boobs are a side effect of deer antler spray is pretty devastating”, he weeped.   

The Fijian president Walasi Vunibaka ordered the Fijian flag to have Singh’s face removed from it and hung at half mast from the State buildings at ‘Singh Castle’, renamed ‘Castle’ as a mark of the “deep sadness” felt by the people of Fiji and exactly no one else on the entire planet. Vunikaba directed the people of Fiji to switch their undying love instead to the Fijian Sevens Rugby team.  The former undisputed Sevens champions of the world haven’t won a game in over two years since New Zealand, Australia, South Africa and England started to take the game seriously.

“If we cannot look up to Vijay, who can we look up to?” begged the tearful Sivivatu. “I was even in the crowd the last time Vijay came to visit us in Fiji back in 1987.  He threw out several pairs of thick black rimmed spectacles to the crowd. My grandfather caught a pair. It was a wonderful occasion”.

“This is a sad day for Fiji.  I even had his laugh as my ringtone”.

Later, after a cup of tea, Sivivatu did admit to not really liking Vijay’s sweaters all along, or the fact that he doesn’t really look Fijian, or the way he treats other human beings.

 

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