Singh Let’s Down Entire Nation Of Fiji Who Now Have Only Crap Rugby Sevens Team To Believe In

Following Vijay Singh’s admission to Tim Finchem yesterday that he is using spray from a deer’s antlers and balls to play golf, a sense of total depression is said to have descended on his home nation of Fiji.

fijian man Walasi Sivivatu, spokesman for Vijay’s 850,000 fans on the Island of Fiji, told reporters he was shocked and stunned by the story.

Saying he felt “perplexed and saddened” by Singh’s actions, Sivivatu hinted that Fijians may now consider joining the other 7.064 billion people on Earth who don’t particularly like Vijay anyway.

“It’s really hard to take in” said Sivivatu with an anxious look into space and a kind of incredulity that absolutely nobody else outside of Fiji shares. “The capital of Fiji is called Singhtown, our national holiday is St. Vijay’s Day, and even Santa over here has a red dot on his forehead; that’s how much we loved this man”.

“Okay it had been reported on the Fijian evening news that Vijay was growing a pair of tits lately, but we all thought it was just Vijay moulding into a Buddah like figure we could all pray to.  So to find out that man boobs are a side effect of deer antler spray is pretty devastating”, he weeped.   

The Fijian president Walasi Vunibaka ordered the Fijian flag to have Singh’s face removed from it and hung at half mast from the State buildings at ‘Singh Castle’, renamed ‘Castle’ as a mark of the “deep sadness” felt by the people of Fiji and exactly no one else on the entire planet. Vunikaba directed the people of Fiji to switch their undying love instead to the Fijian Sevens Rugby team.  The former undisputed Sevens champions of the world haven’t won a game in over two years since New Zealand, Australia, South Africa and England started to take the game seriously.

“If we cannot look up to Vijay, who can we look up to?” begged the tearful Sivivatu. “I was even in the crowd the last time Vijay came to visit us in Fiji back in 1987.  He threw out several pairs of thick black rimmed spectacles to the crowd. My grandfather caught a pair. It was a wonderful occasion”.

“This is a sad day for Fiji.  I even had his laugh as my ringtone”.

Later, after a cup of tea, Sivivatu did admit to not really liking Vijay’s sweaters all along, or the fact that he doesn’t really look Fijian, or the way he treats other human beings.

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Two Naked Pics Of Holly Sonders. The Big News To Emerge From The 2013 PGA Show

Image
The media centre at the 2013 PGA Show was buzzing yesterday.  Not because of anything that happened at the show.  God forbid! When I rocked in, several men (and one woman) were gathered around an iphone ogling and sharing  two pics of who they claimed were Holly Sonders naked. Now I have to hold my hands up and say, I had to google her to find out she’s from The Golf Channel. I don’t watch the Golf Channel because I don’t have an erectile dysfunction problem or need to rent a car from National.  I’m told adverts for both are all that’s on that channel. How they knew for certain it was her, I dont know.  Unless the cheeks of her ass were on her passport photo and they recognized them from there, but I doubt it. The First Pic The first pic is taken from behind. No pun intended.  The media guys say it was taken by her fiancee (?) and shows Holly in a white thong which has disappeared a dangerously long ways into the bummage.  I’m talking two aerial liquitabs and a hot whit
Read more

Sarah Stirk Nipple Gate: Navy Top Leaves Viewers Disappointed

Image
London: Sky Sports management this morning issued a statement  apologizing to subscribers after Sarah Stirk wore a navy dress live on air.  It is believed up to 60,000 horny golfers were left limp after they tuned in to final round coverage of the Valero Texas Open in the hope of getting a glimpse of the legendary Stirk starter buttons. “I pay my subscription, I’m bloody well entitled to see Sarah’s Wimbledon strawberries” said factory worker Paul Manning 52 from Hereford. “I even missed the ten minute freeview, coz my mate Derek tweeted that Stirk was going into the shot centre for ten minutes at 11pm”. The Sky statement read: We apologize unreservedly for the navy dress Sarah wore during last nights broadcast, through which no nipples were visible. This was due to a wardrobe malfunction. However we do intend to rectify this during our US Masters coverage and assure viewers that plenty of bridge rivets will be on show, both from Sarah and special guest Colin Montgomeri
Read more

Holly Sonders Quits Golf Channel After Contract Talks Fail. Moves To Fox.

Image
Tissues at the ready guys as this will come as a shock to you all that Holly Sonders , the female face of the Golf Channel, has quit and reportedly taken a job with Fox Sports. According to  reports Sonders, who appeared regularly on “Morning Drive” since 2011, could not come to an agreement on a new contract deal with the Golf Channel and was quickly snapped up by Fox Sports where she is expected to work on golf and NFL. Related: Holly Sonders Does The Ice Bucket Challenge We've had some fun with Holly over the last few years ( was that really her in those nudie pics? ) but now it looks like we'll be crying into those tissues. Join the GolfCentralDaily community on Twitter for loads more comment on and off the course. Follow @golfcentraldoc
Read more