David Lynn Left Devastated After R&A Ban Enormous Shoulders

English prankster David Lynn, runner up at the US PGA Championship just a few short months ago, is this evening left facing the prospect of a future without golf thanks to a heretofore glossed over paragraph in yesterday’s R&A anchoring ban communiqué.

The final part of the letter bans, from January 1st 2013, any player whose shoulders, tip to tip, exceed one metre in length.  Players with outrageously large shoulders resembling those of a cow, are deemed to have a decided advantage when putting, as opposed to normal human beings.

R&A Chief Peter Dawson, who always looks like he’s lost control of something in his mouth, like a polo mint, said “The only player that this ban is going to affect is David Lynn and if you take into account the world’s entire population of golfers, that’s really nobody. Not calling Mr.Lynn nobody for a second.”

Lynn was born with a disease called “Linebackers Syndrome” which manifests itself in the form of shoulders resembling an NFL players’ when fully kitted out.  Other symptoms include being just a small bit daft.

If he wants to continue his golf career, the only option open now to Stoke’s third most famous over 38 year old is an excruciatingly painful scapular reduction operation followed by up to a year of rehabilitation.  Even then the risk is large, with 50% of patients unable to ever shrug again let alone play golf.

“It’s like a huge weight has been placed on my, what’s the word, oh yeah shoulders”, said Lynn “all that’s left for me is to send in the old CV to Sky Sports and see if they’ll give me a job.  Then again, a life sat next to Bruce Critchley makes me think I should chance the operation. Oh I don't know what to do, I’m a mess.”

More as it emerges.

 

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