2012 Top GolfCentralDaily Funny Satire Stories–January Highlights

All through December, I’ll be having a look back at the funniest stories of the 2012 season on GolfCentralDaily.  Click on any link to open the full story!

Defibrillator For Pugh as Sarah Stirk Steps Into Di Dougherty’s Heels On Sky Sports Golf

Sarah Stirk is to become the new Sky Sports TV PGA Golf anchor stepping into the heels of Di Dougherty who left at the end of last year.  Regular panellist and Italian stallion Denis Pugh had to be restrained, such was his excitement, on hearing the news.  Sky sources revealed a defibrillator is being fitted in the Sky PGA Tour studios, as a precautionary measure this season to protect the over enthusiastic Molinari brothers coach from a coronary after reports that he has been “jumping up and down like a puppy at feeding time” since hearing the news. Stirk is to make the journey of 15 metres down the corridor from the Murnaghan studios at Sky.

North Korean Dictator Breaks With Tradition-Styles Himself on Kenny Perry

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREAâ€"In his first major move following his father's death, Kim Jong-un, has defied the North Korean army by insisting on styling himself on PGA Champions Tour player Kenny Perry.  The young dictator, has fuelled speculation that he may not in fact be bonkers enough to run North Korea as badly as his father by deciding to break with the long tradition of looking like Tom Kite.

Chad Campbell’s Sister To Split From Elite Marine

Less than two years into their marriage, Chadlene Campbell twin sister of PGA Tour golfer Chad Campbell, has announced she is filing for divorce. Chadlene married elite US marine Woody Beanpole following a whirlwind romance in  2010 after the couple met at a Paris fashion show where Campbell was starring.

The couple, pictured here on their wedding day, insist they remain good friends. “Chadlene is more of a man than I could ever be” said Woody adding “her commitments to the world of top modelling have made it impossible for us to be together. You could say her looks that brought us together are now driving us apart.”

Louis Oosthuizen Arrested After Stealing Tots Bike

The Sunshine Tour was rocked yesterday when it’s newest champion Louis Oosthuizen was arrested on suspicion of stealing a child’s bicycle near East London, South Africa. A quick thinking mother snapped a picture of Oosthuizen making his getaway on the bike and promptly reported it to  police.
Rumours had abounded about Oosthuizen’s cleptomaniacal tendencies since a children’s car seat went missing from the player’s car park at Royal St Georges in 2011 and one matching that description was subsequently spotted restraining a small sheep (lamb) on the South African’s farm in South Africa. 
The owner of the children’s bike Mornay Kobus Kruger Stayne (4) was said to be distraught over the incident having only received the bicycle as a present from Santa (his parents) on December 25th last.

Adams Deal Could Go Sour If Karlsson Cant Find Clubs In Time

Adams golf (aren’t they for sale?) today announced they have signed Robert Karlsson.  However the deal could yet turn sour if Karlsson cannot find a set of Adams club before the start of his season.  As of yesterday he had clocked up over 1,200 miles in search of a Swedish pro shop that stocks Adams clubs, which are currently not available in Sweden. It is thought the search may spread to other Scandinavian countries aswell as eBay in the coming days.

There was however some success for the two time Ryder Cupper yesterday when he managed to buy an Adams hat from a farmer near Stockholm.

“We think Robert is a  great fit for Adams golf” said Chip Fryer, CEO of Adams. “We now have a really tall guy to go with the old guy, the religious guy and the crazy two gloves guy.”

Defiant Finchem Vows To Reign Over PGA until 2016. Gets New Outfit on eBay

Bursting into a Steve Stricker press conference today at the Sony Open where up to seven journalists were sleeping soundly, Tim Finchem fired several RPG rounds into the walls and defiantly declared himself supreme commander of the PGA Tour until 2016. Happily none of the journalists present received serious injury during the incident, although some suffered shock after being suddenly awoken.

Later Finchem appeared in an outfit, shades and wig which he claimed to have recently bought “pretty cheap from eBay.lya” and spoke to a number of loyal supporters from the back of a pick up truck from his heavily fortified compound in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida.

Haney’s “Tell All” Book About Tiger Woods Will Not Be Called “Butch Stacked and on The Crack”

  Top Tiger Woods officials were today breathing a sigh of relief when it was discovered that Hank Haney’s upcoming book on Tiger Woods is actually going to be crap.  Rumours, fuelled by the book’s publishers Crown Archetype at Random House, had been circulating that Haney’s account of his six years with Tiger was going to be a “tell all” blockbuster entitled “Butch, Stacked and On The Crack” recounting explicit accounts of Tiger’s drug fuelled days and more worryingly, his nights.
"We are all very relieved around here that the book is so crap” said a senior Woods spokesman, adding “ It’s actually 200 pages of mind numbingly boring stuff about Tiger’s golf swing and all the stuff that was wrong with it. 

Magnum’s Moustache Comes Out Of Retirement To Help Wagner Win Sony Open

“Ronnie”, the moustache worn by Tom Selleck in the TV show Magnum P.I. was last night celebrating the most unlikely of victories after helping Johnson Wagner to win the Sony Open in Hawaii.  The 62 year old nut duster now lives in Malibu Beach living off royalties from the 80’s hit TV show and had been on the island by chance to film a 25th anniversary reunion celebration of the original Magnum cast.

“I was just here hanging with Magnum’s upper lip along with Higgins and TC” said Ronnie the tache. “Some of the guys were breakin’ my balls calling me a “nut broom” and “prison pussy” so I needed to get away.  I came across Johnson Wagner on the putting green at the golf course and he needed some help with his putting alignment so I jumped up on his lip and it seemed to help. When he looks down through my middle, it shows the line perfectly.  I’ve been dabbling in golf with Geoff Ogilvy lately also, it’s is an avenue I would really like to explore.  I’d like to see how far I could go in this business; how cool would it be to get under the nose Rory McIlroy.”

John Daly In Deep Trouble Again With Tour In Qatar

Intestinally restricted John Daly was yet again in hot water with the European Tour after this time ignoring specific orders handed down to him by big boss George O’Grady on Tuesday.  Daly shot an opening 67 to lead in the clubhouse in Qatar and was reportedly “an absolute gentleman” throughout his round; a clear violation of his terms of employment with the Tour.

Pic: Daly alone in the locker room in Doha with smelly socks left to contemplate his latest breach.

“We are very disappointed indeed with the conduct of Mr. Daly”, supreme commander O’Grady said today. “It was clearly outlined in John’s contract that he was to hit five balls into the lake on the 11th, break a chair over a marshals head on 16 and storm off the course on 17.  Yet again he has let us down.”

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